AT-ST version 2.0

As he looked down at the forest moon of Endor through his screen o vision 3000 from his battleship, the S.S. Decimator, Lieutenant Jim "funny helmet" Burke watched as the Ewoks jumped up and down, dancing the night away to some really horrible showtune-like music. He pondered deep about the only assignment ever given to him directly from commander Vader several days ago to formulate the logistics for defeating several hundred overgrown teddy bears with bad teeth. As soon as Vader had stepped away on that fateful day, Jim jabbed his buddy Ted in the ribs with his elbow and chuckled hysterically. "How easy is my job?", he commented as Ted shook his head in disbelief. Jim then rang his comrade Phil who worked at the armory on Endor telling him to get four AT-ST walkers and fifty storm troopers prepared for this "big" battle he had been charged with.
As we all know, the battle did not play out as Jim had planned. For one, the armor on the AT-ST's was too thin and, hence, easily crushed by two opposing battering rams on strings. Secondly, the AT-ST's were easily thrown off balance by just a few strategic logs rolling down a hillside. These were not the mighty machines he had long believed in.
A tear ran down his face as he personally bore full responsibility for the overthrow of the empire.

For the next couple of months, Jim could not sleep. He tossed and turned all night with visions of little fuzzy creatures shouting "jub-jub" in his face. He could only guess at what type of insult this was, but he was pretty sure the gist of the meaning was "wussy boy". Jim's fury grew.
Having had quite enough of his torment, he came up with a plan to put the empire back on top again, which would start with the defeat of those vile pint sized Wookiees. He set his screen o vision 3000 to peer long into the future, to a galaxy far far away seeking superior walkers of a more advanced technological age. His search ended as he found the distant planet Earth where there lived a sure footed creature named the Zachers. Jim's heart raced as he watched the Zachers negotiate difficult obstacles like the dolly pram of Mr. Steve's Daycare as well as the deep layers of mulch next to the monkey bars of Thompson park just down the street. "This little man is a thousand times more stable than the AT-ST walkers. I must have him." He shouted, his dialated pupils bearing a slight resemblance to Captain Ahab's whenever he spoke in reference to the famed white whale of lore.
Since Jim had several connections in his Facebook network with Klingons from Kronos, he decided to send out a batch IM to see if any one of them could lend him a long range time transporter so that he could acquire his secret weapon. A particularly nasty Klingon named Klackor, who shared the common goal of destroying anything good in the universe, agreed to allow Jim to borrow his. "Make sure you get it back to me by Saturday or my mom will kill me." Klackor warned; he was serious, too. His mom had a hair appointment on Sunday morning and tends to get quite violent in those few hours before church.
"No problem.", replied Jim. He would only need the device for one afternoon anyway.
After receiving the transporter from the UPS guy, he assembled it in the living room of the S.S. Decimator next to his Wii, focused the sights on Zachers, who was in the middle of his first naptime of the day, and pressed the "grab" button. Zachers whipped through space fast asleep completely unaware of what was happening around him, especially due to the fact that he had awoken at five AM that morning and would not let his mom, Jen, go back to sleep. He was truly exhausted.
When he finally arrived on the Decimator, Zachers was beginning to stir at the sound of Jim's uproarious laughter. He looked around a little confused, but, as he is pretty easy going, Zachers gave Jim a little smile as he rose to his feet.
"Zachers, I will now send you to the planet Endor to defeat the Ewoks. Do you hear me? Defeat the Ewoks!!!"
Zachers smiled again and nodded his head.
Jim pounded the controls of the transporter once more to beam Zach down to the forest moon, smack dab in the middle of Ewok territory, and he appeared among them with a tiny little pop. Somewhat startled by the sudden appearance of this superb walking machine, the Ewoks readied themselves with their ineffective little sticks and slingshots. Zachers walked over to a tiny warrior Ewok named Bob, moved his stick out of the way, and gave him a big long hug.
"Drat.", Jim quietly exclaimed and hit the reverse button on the transporter.

The Ewoks then played another ridiculously bad song in celebration.