In case you are wondering, my hard drive crashed again as I expected it would. It may be a while before you hear from me since I have no way to blog during the day. In the meantime, though, if you want to click the advertisments on my page a few thousand times, it will provide a bit of financial assistance in saving up for a new one.
I miss you guys.
TTYL
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Please, no autographs.
I'm not a braggart and tend to shy away from those of braggadocios demeanor because I find them generally too self absorbed to do the right thing by people. That being said, let me tell you how awesome I am.
This morning after dropping Elijah off at the bus stop, Zach, Amelia and I made the long arduous (one block) journey back to the homestead only to find that we had been locked out. The side door to our home contains original hardware installed in 1939 including a self locking latch which, up to now, had only burned me once (It was a week after moving into our house and was snowing at the time, but I will tell you no more for I do not wish for that story to outshine my experience today). I am forced to conclude that people were generally more responsible back in 1939 and always had their keys in their pocket when they pulled the door shut, otherwise I see no reason for the builders to have included such a sadistic piece of hardware in a door most conducive to becoming the primary exit...but I digress.
As Murphy would have it, today's lockout occurred on a cold wet morning the day after the end of our Indian (oops, I mean Native American) summer. It was literally thirty degrees warmer and 100% dryer yesterday afternoon, so, in the last 24 hours, we have had to run both the air and heat. Amelia and Zach were still in their PJ's without shoes, so I quickly set them both up in their seats in the truck to keep them warm while I came up with a plan.
My first attempt at breaking in involved the use of a couple long metal pins I procured from the garage. Have any of you ever seen a cops and robbers movie where the burglar takes two metal rods, inserts them into a deadbolt, and somehow manages to open the door in two seconds flat? Let me share with you my stunning realization that I am either not cut out for a life of crime or those movie producers are a bunch of snotty faced liars. I succeeded only in wasting five minutes and learning a valuable lesson.
My next plan was to grab the doorknob and shake it forcibly to see if I could coerce the latch to open after it saw how desperate I was. As you probably guessed, the latch and I are still not friends. Another minute went down the drain.
Then I remembered that there was a window near the back of the house which I had opened a few days before to air out the horrible smell of something I had mis-cooked: I think it was a bratwurst, which would make sense seeing as how I am the only non-German in the family. Quickly, I ran to the back of the house and found that the window was in fact unlocked. Within five minutes I had popped out the screen, knocked everything off the window sill, squeezed through the small opening, and touched down onto the kitchen floor. In my excitement I let out a disturbingly loud and very redneck sounding "wha-hoo" at having accessed the impenetrable fortress that is my home without the aid of a locksmith or wife.
Immediately, I hurried to the truck to get the kids who were quite confused about being put in their seats without driving anywhere. They seemed to be happy about getting back inside where the warm air was, though.
...and then I deactivated the self latching door, quite possibly for the last time.
This morning after dropping Elijah off at the bus stop, Zach, Amelia and I made the long arduous (one block) journey back to the homestead only to find that we had been locked out. The side door to our home contains original hardware installed in 1939 including a self locking latch which, up to now, had only burned me once (It was a week after moving into our house and was snowing at the time, but I will tell you no more for I do not wish for that story to outshine my experience today). I am forced to conclude that people were generally more responsible back in 1939 and always had their keys in their pocket when they pulled the door shut, otherwise I see no reason for the builders to have included such a sadistic piece of hardware in a door most conducive to becoming the primary exit...but I digress.
As Murphy would have it, today's lockout occurred on a cold wet morning the day after the end of our Indian (oops, I mean Native American) summer. It was literally thirty degrees warmer and 100% dryer yesterday afternoon, so, in the last 24 hours, we have had to run both the air and heat. Amelia and Zach were still in their PJ's without shoes, so I quickly set them both up in their seats in the truck to keep them warm while I came up with a plan.
My first attempt at breaking in involved the use of a couple long metal pins I procured from the garage. Have any of you ever seen a cops and robbers movie where the burglar takes two metal rods, inserts them into a deadbolt, and somehow manages to open the door in two seconds flat? Let me share with you my stunning realization that I am either not cut out for a life of crime or those movie producers are a bunch of snotty faced liars. I succeeded only in wasting five minutes and learning a valuable lesson.
My next plan was to grab the doorknob and shake it forcibly to see if I could coerce the latch to open after it saw how desperate I was. As you probably guessed, the latch and I are still not friends. Another minute went down the drain.
Then I remembered that there was a window near the back of the house which I had opened a few days before to air out the horrible smell of something I had mis-cooked: I think it was a bratwurst, which would make sense seeing as how I am the only non-German in the family. Quickly, I ran to the back of the house and found that the window was in fact unlocked. Within five minutes I had popped out the screen, knocked everything off the window sill, squeezed through the small opening, and touched down onto the kitchen floor. In my excitement I let out a disturbingly loud and very redneck sounding "wha-hoo" at having accessed the impenetrable fortress that is my home without the aid of a locksmith or wife.
Immediately, I hurried to the truck to get the kids who were quite confused about being put in their seats without driving anywhere. They seemed to be happy about getting back inside where the warm air was, though.
...and then I deactivated the self latching door, quite possibly for the last time.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Terrific Two's
The terrible two's are not a myth and they are coming your way.
"Not my little princess." you say.
Yes, your little princess too will become as feisty as demon spawn and will emit screams to the point of laryngitis replacing what were once soft delicate baby cries. What used to be a pleasant evening out to dinner will become a race against time, points taken from any family member who attempts to talk after food is set on the table thus extending the high chair time which is known to be in strictly limited supply. Parents become psychic and can see events in the future they know would result in a meltdown and steer the young ones attention accordingly. Take heed, something wicked this way comes.
Amelia, much like Elijah before her, has arrived at the terrible two's prematurely, much to mom and dad's dismay. Zach, likewise, seems to be acquiring some of the finer points of selective emotional breakdown possibly by proxy to our ex-princess but mostly likely because he is experiencing the same types of growing pains as she. So tell us, Mr. Steve, what are Amelia and Zach trying to tell us with these drop-of-a-hat tantrums they seem to be prone with these days?
Basically, they have both come to realize a world exists beyond the realm of baby play-land that requires the extensive use of effective communication to negotiate its intricacies...oh, and also a "grown ups club" membership card which parents give to the store clerk when they want to take something home.
Zach and Amelia are merely trying to explain that they want to live in that world, too, but are somewhat frustrated with the complexity of getting up to speed within it.
"Seriously? That's it?"
Yes, that's it.
Now, of course you didn't think that I was just pointing out that your children will become evil life sucking creatures and there's nothing you can do about it. Right? I am a professional after all and wouldn't be writing this blog if I didn't think I had anything constructive to say.
Let me use a real life example to explain my methodology: Say, for instance, you are sitting at the table of your favorite steak house and your little bundle of joy decides that he absolutely will not be happy unless you let him hold the steak knife which your kind but dim witted waiter set down right in front of him. You notice that since you took the knife away he has been inhaling for the last minute and a half preparing to expel the loudest wail your ears have ever been six inches away from.
The first step is to get a change of scenery. Oh good, I see you are already sprinting away from the table with your hand cupped over the tykes mouth. The change of scenery will help him change gears with a fresh new set of stimuli to take in and distract him.
Next, get yourself to a nice quiet place where there won't be a lot of strangers standing around who are tempted to try helpful things like making awkward scary faces at them.
Lastly comes the most important step in derailing the the downward spiral of banshee screams: direct face to face conversation. The terrible two's should be seen as the perfect opportunity to start talking to your child like an adult in calm and complete sentences. Tell them what you perceive them to be feeling and you can even tell them how you are feeling. Even though they may not understand the exact meaning of the words you are saying to them, they will most certainly get the tone and realize that you are attempting to give them the keys to the grown up world. Eventually they will match the tone you set for them and realize the benefit of using words. Just remember to keep your tone in a manner consistent with what you would like to get in return and don't let frustration take over. If frustration does take over, well, it's time for mommy or daddy to take a time out. Go sit facing the corner and let your little one laugh at you for a while, as goofiness can be a good ice breaker, too.
"Not my little princess." you say.
Yes, your little princess too will become as feisty as demon spawn and will emit screams to the point of laryngitis replacing what were once soft delicate baby cries. What used to be a pleasant evening out to dinner will become a race against time, points taken from any family member who attempts to talk after food is set on the table thus extending the high chair time which is known to be in strictly limited supply. Parents become psychic and can see events in the future they know would result in a meltdown and steer the young ones attention accordingly. Take heed, something wicked this way comes.
Amelia, much like Elijah before her, has arrived at the terrible two's prematurely, much to mom and dad's dismay. Zach, likewise, seems to be acquiring some of the finer points of selective emotional breakdown possibly by proxy to our ex-princess but mostly likely because he is experiencing the same types of growing pains as she. So tell us, Mr. Steve, what are Amelia and Zach trying to tell us with these drop-of-a-hat tantrums they seem to be prone with these days?
Basically, they have both come to realize a world exists beyond the realm of baby play-land that requires the extensive use of effective communication to negotiate its intricacies...oh, and also a "grown ups club" membership card which parents give to the store clerk when they want to take something home.
Zach and Amelia are merely trying to explain that they want to live in that world, too, but are somewhat frustrated with the complexity of getting up to speed within it.
"Seriously? That's it?"
Yes, that's it.
Now, of course you didn't think that I was just pointing out that your children will become evil life sucking creatures and there's nothing you can do about it. Right? I am a professional after all and wouldn't be writing this blog if I didn't think I had anything constructive to say.
Let me use a real life example to explain my methodology: Say, for instance, you are sitting at the table of your favorite steak house and your little bundle of joy decides that he absolutely will not be happy unless you let him hold the steak knife which your kind but dim witted waiter set down right in front of him. You notice that since you took the knife away he has been inhaling for the last minute and a half preparing to expel the loudest wail your ears have ever been six inches away from.
The first step is to get a change of scenery. Oh good, I see you are already sprinting away from the table with your hand cupped over the tykes mouth. The change of scenery will help him change gears with a fresh new set of stimuli to take in and distract him.
Next, get yourself to a nice quiet place where there won't be a lot of strangers standing around who are tempted to try helpful things like making awkward scary faces at them.
Lastly comes the most important step in derailing the the downward spiral of banshee screams: direct face to face conversation. The terrible two's should be seen as the perfect opportunity to start talking to your child like an adult in calm and complete sentences. Tell them what you perceive them to be feeling and you can even tell them how you are feeling. Even though they may not understand the exact meaning of the words you are saying to them, they will most certainly get the tone and realize that you are attempting to give them the keys to the grown up world. Eventually they will match the tone you set for them and realize the benefit of using words. Just remember to keep your tone in a manner consistent with what you would like to get in return and don't let frustration take over. If frustration does take over, well, it's time for mommy or daddy to take a time out. Go sit facing the corner and let your little one laugh at you for a while, as goofiness can be a good ice breaker, too.
Monday, October 6, 2008
my train of thought left the station
What kind of story teller am I anyway, dropping a bombshell like that without any further details? Puppies are big news, after all. My brevity can partially be attributed to Amelia's new found maturity in which she has decided to downsize her nap schedule to one short nap a day, on occasion, (...and strangely enough, needs to be holding a baseball when she does. It appears the October excitement is not lost on her...go Sox!!) but is mostly due to the fact that we got a puppy that I wasn't able to tell you more about the puppy we got. This little vortex of attention has eaten up much of my spare time and, in turn, I am forced to give you a more condensed version of the news, which probably works better with your short attention span anyway. Hey, do you want to go ride bikes?
Oh, the puppy. Right.
I'm sure the first question you are asking is "why?". Well, my job was starting to get a little too easy and there just weren't any more challenges for me to face in a day, so it made good business sense to get a creature that doesn't listen, pees on the carpet, can't wear a diaper, and likes to attack babies. I'm just kidding about that last part: you can easily cut out a tail hole in the size 4 Huggies to make them work.
...but seriously folks...
"Big Boy"*, as he is currently named for lack of a better one, is a boxer/border collie mix and is actually quite gentle with kids. The family we adopted him from had two of their own, a little younger than Elijah and Amelia respectively, so he already had an idea of what behavior is appropriate around the small and wobbly. He is taking to his obedience training wonderfully as well. For those of you who have never heard of clicker training your dog need to look into it today. Amazingly, it is a far more effective training method than a newspaper across the rear and they actually enjoy it, so you get reap the rewards of good behavior with none of the puppy eyed guilt which inevitable follows with use of the latter method.
Well, I've got to cut this short since today is the day we're going to learn how to sit still...not me of course, I'm an old dog and am unlikely to learn that trick, even with a clicker... click.
So long.
* I wrote this on Friday but didn't get a chance to post it since: Amelia and Zach woke up, and the dog had to go out, and the we were all getting a little hungry, and I had some laundry, and dishes, and...
Since the day it was written, the Mr Steve clan has unanimously agreed on the name "Niko" for our dog. Let it be written, let it be done, that Niko shall be his name and his name shall be Niko.
Oh, the puppy. Right.
I'm sure the first question you are asking is "why?". Well, my job was starting to get a little too easy and there just weren't any more challenges for me to face in a day, so it made good business sense to get a creature that doesn't listen, pees on the carpet, can't wear a diaper, and likes to attack babies. I'm just kidding about that last part: you can easily cut out a tail hole in the size 4 Huggies to make them work.
...but seriously folks...
"Big Boy"*, as he is currently named for lack of a better one, is a boxer/border collie mix and is actually quite gentle with kids. The family we adopted him from had two of their own, a little younger than Elijah and Amelia respectively, so he already had an idea of what behavior is appropriate around the small and wobbly. He is taking to his obedience training wonderfully as well. For those of you who have never heard of clicker training your dog need to look into it today. Amazingly, it is a far more effective training method than a newspaper across the rear and they actually enjoy it, so you get reap the rewards of good behavior with none of the puppy eyed guilt which inevitable follows with use of the latter method.
Well, I've got to cut this short since today is the day we're going to learn how to sit still...not me of course, I'm an old dog and am unlikely to learn that trick, even with a clicker... click.
So long.
* I wrote this on Friday but didn't get a chance to post it since: Amelia and Zach woke up, and the dog had to go out, and the we were all getting a little hungry, and I had some laundry, and dishes, and...
Since the day it was written, the Mr Steve clan has unanimously agreed on the name "Niko" for our dog. Let it be written, let it be done, that Niko shall be his name and his name shall be Niko.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Stimulus
Usually I avoid discussing current events in this panel mainly because two thirds of us are way to young for that sort of thing, but I felt in light of recent developments, I would like to interject my two cents on the matter.
There is no doubt that it is a fearful time for many, with uncertainty in the markets at every turn. We are all being affected by the current economic climate and my heart goes out to everyone going through hard times right now. Furthermore, it is impossible not to think of the long term ramifications of the current state of affairs and what, if any, foundation will be left for us rebuild upon once the smoke clears. All this considered, it is not unusual right now to feel completely overwhelmed and anxious about what tomorrow brings.
I feel it is essential, though, for us to remember that love is a commodity of unlimited supply and is in no way tied to what is being traded on Wall Street. Its value is much greater, the essence of which is the hope it allows us to have. Whether it be love of family, friends, or world, there is nothing more powerful or pure a force in the human experience. I know it's a long hard road ahead and each of us will be tested: but as long as we don't forget that which is most important to us as a people we will eventually find our way out.
Keep your love strong, my friends. It's good for the economy.
Oh, yeah...and the Mr. Steve family got a puppy. Isn't he cute?
There is no doubt that it is a fearful time for many, with uncertainty in the markets at every turn. We are all being affected by the current economic climate and my heart goes out to everyone going through hard times right now. Furthermore, it is impossible not to think of the long term ramifications of the current state of affairs and what, if any, foundation will be left for us rebuild upon once the smoke clears. All this considered, it is not unusual right now to feel completely overwhelmed and anxious about what tomorrow brings.
I feel it is essential, though, for us to remember that love is a commodity of unlimited supply and is in no way tied to what is being traded on Wall Street. Its value is much greater, the essence of which is the hope it allows us to have. Whether it be love of family, friends, or world, there is nothing more powerful or pure a force in the human experience. I know it's a long hard road ahead and each of us will be tested: but as long as we don't forget that which is most important to us as a people we will eventually find our way out.
Keep your love strong, my friends. It's good for the economy.
Oh, yeah...and the Mr. Steve family got a puppy. Isn't he cute?
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